The first week is sluggishly passing by. Just being honest, it’s going reallyyyy slow, a little too slow for my liking. And while that is fine with me, it’s still a bit torturous, but it’s almost done. And yes, it’s taken me this long to actually just sit at my desk and write this without needing to stop and feel sad. I still cry at some point every day, and although I know it will go away at some point, just label me as ‘that mom.’ I don’t care. I’ve written in my journal every day, some multiple times a day, so I can remember everything that I’ve felt and everything that has happened. So after we celebrated us both getting through that first day together, I think celebrating getting through the first week will feel more like a victory.

Kindergarten roundup : Tuesday 8.16.16.
Yes, that “K” word. It’s here. It’s time. My boy starts Kindergarten in TWO days. Uggggh.
How am I feeling today you ask? Every emotion in the flippin’ book.

A lot of conversations I’ve had with friends or clients lately have been about that ‘D’ word…

Divorce.

We don’t like to talk about it, or think about it. And we don’t, or should I sadly say most of us don’t, actually ‘plan’ for it to happen. But since it has come up so very often lately in my personal conversations, giving advice, being a listener and being able to relate on certain things and could possibly help a friend make it through, I thought I should write a little bit about it. So my recent friends who need a lift, here’s to you. I’m not here to bash people or put people down in any way, as some people, I know, are just not meant to be together. But unfortunately, it is still a part of life and everyone, going through this or not, could use a positive pick me up, a hug, or some uplifting thoughts for their future during certain situations. If you don’t like the idea of this, please don’t read it. It doesn’t bother me at all that you don’t care, but there are a few main points that have come across in conversations over and over again and having experienced this situation myself, I figured it could just help someone else if they need to hear it. Each relationship is different, so it is very broad, but I am hoping to help a friend or two out there somewhere.

I remember the last time he kissed me, the heart tugging and hurtful words he said to me right after, the last time my heart did truly feel happy with us together and I remember the moment I knew it was no longer my dream to be there anymore. Marriage counseling wasn’t in it for us, as he refused it the three times that I asked and there was nothing more that I felt that I could do on my end to make our home, that I thought existed, our happy place again. Apparently he had checked himself out long before I realized or was told so. I remember the awkwardness, the silent dinners, the tension, the shorter phone calls and the one line, or even one word text responses. 

I did a lifestyle session and ended up having lunch after with a client, who has turned into more of a girlfriend, at her house the other week. Her family has always been one of my favorites to watch grow and we’ve become such close friends over time. We talk about all aspects of life and my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so hard every time I leave her. We sit for an enjoyable hot minute, you know, having that dream mom to mom adult conversation, but usually after about 10 minutes, we’re standing (and usually yelling our conversations to each other from room to room) while we chase kids around. By the time we get into a strong conversation, it gets interrupted with answering the kids’ questions and we literally never get to finish a conversation. This could go on for a few hours… as we both clean up different messes while the kids are still playing.

For so many of us, there is so much time spent on cleaning up throughout the day, how we feel the need to constantly have a clean house for unexpected guests or to have ready at that very moment when our spouse comes home from work. Oh, how wonderful it feels at the end of the night when everything is put away in it’s ‘spot’ and I can go to bed knowing there is peacefulness until it starts again tomorrow.

“See it for what it is, not what you want it to be.”

This quote has gotten me further in life than I’ve expected. It’s just something that is still always on my mind and always has been. It has to do with what I’ve pictured my life to be like since I was a little girl, and what my life actually just is. You know, that thing that they call the “5 year plan?” If there is even such a thing, I have yet to believe it.

Just like everyone else, there has been a lot of unexpected things happen, and before this ‘new life’ of ours even got started. There were things that have torn me apart from others and things that have brought others closer to me, to help guide and push me to where I needed to go. There has been heartache (to its fullest), many, many tears, of both sadness and joy and hope, and most of all, in personal growth. I’ve become stronger from the past and I’m realizing now, my future only holds challenges that I know I can and will make it through.

I took Paisley a while back to get her nails done on one of our usual ‘girls days’ that we have together. The lady smiled at us sitting in our manicure chairs and said, “Oh, lovely fingernails! Do you like to get your nails done with your Mom?”

“She’s not my mom…”

Backtrack to September 2013
This has been the beginning of a second chance. For the both of us.

Our first year together was one that I’ll never forget. And as hard as it was, it will always be one of my favorites.

We lived in separate homes, with separate lives, raising children who attended schools in different districts and we all had individual schedules. I was transitioning into a ‘new start’ in my life and he had already had a year and a half to mold his back into a fresh one.

We got mutually introduced through some friends. We had multiple long talks, walks, and drives. Meals and weekends were spent together where we talked about life, what we wanted, for both our children and ourselves. We talked about what we needed, and what we had never had in the past. After a short while, we realized that we were wanting all the same things. We shared the same dreams and had the same amount of passion to get there. Our hearts meshed together a lot quicker than we had expected or definitely planned but we wouldn’t change a thing. They say that ‘all things in life happen for a reason,’ right? And there was definitely a reason that I needed this man in my life and what he had to offer. I surely didn’t realize it back then, but I see it all now. He was by my side since day one. And in the beginning when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted for my future, his words, as I remember were, “I’m not going anywhere…I’ll be waiting right here whenever you need me. But you are that something I’ve been waiting for.”

Life has a really funny way of working itself out, doesn’t it? Even, when at that exact moment when you thought your life was just the way you’ve always wanted it? Your life can instantly change. In one minute, one day, through a simple conversation or even one phone call. And you know what helps? The power of prayer. Just stop and pray. I mean, that’s what I did…

Your day, your dreams and your world might just turn completely around. Having it happen all in the same day for me was a complete blessing.

So let us backtrack a little bit.
Sunday September 22, 2013

I went hiking with my parents late that morning. I remember quietly shedding a few tears under my sunglasses in the backseat on the ride there, just staring out the window and again during the hike. I was so scared, so flipping confused, so angry and yet, so blessed for what I had and still so incredibly hopeful. But there was always that feeling of not knowing about the future, which is what I was scared of the most. I wanted the best for my boy, and I absolutely knew that I was going to do whatever I needed to to give him the most normal life I could, having to now raise him in two different households and changing his and our normal everyday routines. All of those happy memories and ones that I envisioned as ‘normal’ and ‘what I’ve always wanted’ was suddenly non existent, and then actually made me wonder if they ever existed at all in the first place?