As I’m sitting here at my desk in my room in these early morning hours with my little boy still sleeping in my bed after an early morning wake up session, my mind won’t slow down a bit and I already know that I’m up for the day. The thoughts, both happiness and sadness, the strong motivation in my mind to ‘get up and go’ along with the stagnant movement of the mind and body… everything in life through this journey comes and goes in waves, just as everyone’s lives. Some days they feel as strong as monsoons instead of just thunderstorms, but nonetheless it comes and goes, no matter how strong or how long they stay.
Yesterday, there was such a strong sense of a new beginning arriving and also a huge sense of loss coming from my heart. It’s like another piece of our puzzle that has been taken away from us and I can’t get it back to fill the hole. I was trying to accept it but still ignore it when it came throughout the summer, as I knew the time wasn’t here yet.
I still had time…
The ‘clouds’ were forming at those times over the still waters of summer. And now that this week has been inching closer day by day on my calendar, it’s finally here. I can feel the actual wave starting to form in the choppy waters and the noises of the storm have hit my mind. It’s forming in the present days and will be at its peak here in the middle of the month, on the first day of school.
The first day of school at his new school, a huge change in transition on every level possible and sadly, one tiny step closer to the thing that we absolutely don’t want to think about in this regressive disease…
So today and the last handful of days that I have left of this summer, I will stay close to him and hold onto these moments. It’s all we can do as we all know, we don’t get time back. So soak in this day with me.
Will he be okay? We know he’ll thrive.
Will he get used to his routine? Over time, just like anything else, yes.
Does he understand about the school change? Not yet.
But all of these aren’t part of the moral of this post. There will always be many happy posts and updates here on our blog and on his Facebook page here but the point of our blog is also to document change, the hard times and all the feelings as they come in between and throughout the happiness as well.
We do and always will continue to take ‘one day at a time.’ And it’s the hard days like these when again, we have to change our perspective in our mindset and move our purpose back over on top of the pain in life and just keep going.
And we hope that you will remember this on your hard days. Remember Owen’s Story with us and know that you are never alone.
It’s times like this in our journey when I’m ever so thankful that I’ve allowed my creativity flow and still be able to come alive through the hard times. Because it’s notes like these, mugs like these and the apparel that we wear together in our days that are just simple reminders that we got this. This is our story, it matters. This is our purpose, we were made for this. And we are warriors, we will get through this… somehow, someway. The importance of our story I only pray is making an impact on others too and the comfort in wearing, holding or being able to look at something daily is such a strong sense of uplifting power that only you will know what it’s like when you feel it.
So, after walking down our hallway this morning, putting off as long as I can going up to his school to do paperwork for registration, I was stopped in my tracks. Our canvas by Owen, our mug, and my warrior shirt I wore for pajamas all came full circle. Here I am again, when I need it most. I got this.
I went up and grabbed something comfy, simple, but fancy enough to feel like I got dressed up outside of my yoga pants (which now I’ve decided I’m wearing for date night this weekend haha so don’t judge if you see me in this outfit twice this week!) My hair has been washed, I had makeup on, I felt refreshed. I looked in the mirror, ‘Ok, girlfriend. You’ve got this.’ But now looking at the photo, my smile didn’t truly arrive until my boy walked in to greet me and said something per usual to make me laugh. His shirt is also one more thing that I didn’t plan for but was another happy thing to look at!
We got this.
‘I don’t know how you do it, Shelby. I don’t know how you stay so positive all the time.’
I get told this so often. And let me tell you guys something. I have my hard times. I’m going to be as raw and real with you as I can but I don’t need to show you every single one of my breakdowns, we all have those. I share with you the ones that mean something, that will teach you something for your own life or ones that I need to remember for myself to look back on for the other hard days to come.
It’s days like this that tell a story. And if you know me, then you know I don’t like to just post one photo. It’s my purpose to tell our story, so I share our day, our trips, our chapters all at once. That’s what makes up our story is all of these different ‘chapters.’
So today, as you can see, everything is visually adding up for me to see. I cancelled all of my phone calls and plans and allowed my body and mind to feel the feelings. To accept what’s happening and allow it to. I saw the signs, the words, and I got the reassurance and encouragement. And it didn’t even stop there. When you open your mind to acceptance in something that is arising, your mind will be so incredibly open to seeing things the rest of your day and week that will uplift you and encourage you. The things that will allow you to know that you are in fact, on the right path.
When we arrived at Owen’s school, I put the truck in park and took a deep (but happy) breath. I walked around to get Owen out and BAM. As soon as I said ‘Ok, let’s go bud!’ The lightning from my storm had hit me in the head so hard. I couldn’t think. I had a few seconds of blurry vision. My whole stomach was in my throat and it felt like time stood still as I stood there for what felt like 20 minutes. Owen jumped out, yelled, “Let’s roll!” And I couldn’t even gather my insides together before having to chase after him.
My mind was already in such a different place by the time we left our driveway that I forgot that registration was at the other school down the road. But it’s like we were pulled here first to be yet again, an uplifting part of our day. We walked right inside the doors and were HIT IN THE FACE with an extraordinary ‘sign’ for our day.
My HEART EXPLODED.
And somehow I knew that the rest of the day I was going to be OKAY.
Before we turned around to leave as it was also that moment that I realized we were in the wrong place, Owen got to see his favorite school janitor, Dale, and ran up to him for a hug. Again, another happy moment as to why we needed to be there.
We hopped back into the truck and drove around the block.
Setting the scene for you now, is the school hallway right outside the school office and gym. There are long tables for sitting with computers, parents and teachers scattered throughout and other tables around piled with papers for school registration to fill out. Only this time, I’m not grabbing those papers. I’ve had to bring my own folder with it’s own ‘special paperwork’ to be filled out and turned in here… turned in here to Owen’s home school, even though he won’t be attending here any longer. Reality hits again.
Owen’s school, the one he started Kindergarten in, the one we’ve struggled through our journey up to diagnosis, with all the good, the confusing and the hard adjustments. The school with the teachers and his one on one aide, who took him in and loved him like their own child. The other staff, the friends, the families that surrounded us and wrapped their arms around us when finally receiving our diagnosis, the words we never imagined. The ones that supported us wholeheartedly and brought their best every day in their classrooms and throughout their days to help Owen be the happiest he can be each day. They gave Owen the best first two years of celebrating his awareness day that I could have ever imagined and they have always checked in, said hello and have helped me teach so many other children the meaning and importance behind being nice to other friends, other children, or other people in general with special needs. We were back here this morning in this building and still surrounded by the community where it all started, only now, it’s time for us to move on to the next chapter…
We made it through without a tear somehow. He’s been on the go all day since, I’m exhausted. I’m a little stressed. But mostly, my mind is still inspired and still going into the positive direction, the one that I try and guide myself to any other day.
The weight has lifted… for now.
The storm has seized, the clouds are starting to part, and I’m staring at a clear sky turning into a sunset as I finish typing this for the day. Thank you for you all who have messaged me and have sent the good vibes for this day. It takes a village always and I know I have mine to always look for as a guiding light and an impact on our hardest of days. So thank you for being here with us in spirit. I always feel you.
So, here is to us, friends. Cheers!
Cheers to one more day that we made it through, yet again. And together we will continue to take ‘one day at a time.’